Monday, October 26, 2020

Day 40

I’m 40 days to becoming 40 ๐ŸŽ‚ I chose a picture as close to this same day last year as I could find with the caveat that my phone shattered so I didn’t have many, if any, choices ๐Ÿ˜žI choose to countdown in this way because chapter 40 is about to be the SHAKE UP & BREAK THROUGH that I desperately need whether I’m ready or not ๐ŸŽ‰ #CountdownToForty #Day40 #FreshStart #Omen 

It’s a snapshot. Captured by a phone. It’s not a professional picture. In fact, it’s a cropped picture of a picture. In this picture I was chilling, excited to take a photo with my crab sister (band heads understand this terminology. It means the other young lady that entered into the majorette squad the same year and line as myself) 

We were haphazardly standing around chatting waiting on dress rehearsal for an alumni homecoming performance. I had been checking my watch because my daughter was with my mom and had been since I had gotten my hair washed and styled earlier that day. I was thinking; I thought dress rehearsal days were SHORT and quick- hit it, quit it days- and yet this particular dress rehearsal was taking abnormally long to both; get started and to end. I remember not wanting my mom to think I was taking advantage of her watching my daughter and thinking I was just hanging out or homecoming partying. I remember thinking, my husband is going to think I’m reliving college days. I remember thinking, I better take photos so I can have memories of this night and this event because every year I participate I’m caught up in the moment and hardly ever have REAL memories and since we’re actually just standing around talking; let me capture us in a photo. We hadn’t taken a picture together since we performed fourteen years earlier and we both had changed inwardly and outwardly and the sentiment needed to be captured. 

That’s how year 40 will begin for me...capturing moments. Taking them in. Living in the moment and having some form of keepsake captured to relive the moment or sentiment over and over again! Moments are fleeting! 

At the time captured in this photo I had just begun to move around again after the loss of my baby, Kayla Noellรฉ, back in July. I was NOT okay. I was faking it. Faking loose conversations. Faking putting on a face and hair and a smile. I had a friend that helped me bounce into the performance at the last minute and I knew, I just knew she was watching my every move to make sure I was okay, and because I knew that. Because I knew I was under a microscope from those that loved me...or even those that didn’t love me, but that knew about my tragic Loss, I put a smile on my face and just danced and laughed and smiled in pictures and held mindless conversations, etc. That’s the strength of a woman. A human. We do what we have to do. Suck it up. Put a smile on our face and keep it moving. Countdown to 40.

Those that know me, know I take birthdays seriously...let’s see how this road that leads to 40 actually travels! Day 40 to 40 ๐ŸŽ‚ 

1 Month

You coo and smile often!

Your sister makes you smile the most and she entertains you when you’re awake!

You hold your head up!

You don’t like to be swaddled because you like your arms free! 

You sweat in your head a lot but you love being held while you sleep!

You eat every 3 hours!

You said, “light!”