It's easy to feel inadequate or worthless. It doesn't take having low self-esteem or an abusive background either. You can come from, what's called good-stock, or have what others might see as the picture-perfect life, and have an unfortunate series of events, get knocked down one too many times, feel you're blessings have escaped your grasps just all too often and you could get into a funk so low you feel as if you're walking the pits of hell with Satan himself.
I'd be remiss to tell you to suck it up! Sometimes, truthfully, there comes a time for a good shout, scream, cry, whatever it is you do to let out anguish. It's required. It's not safe to keep things bottled up. It's not realistic to hold things in. For the greater good of your "help" you must let it go. In some of my darkest hours, just simply saying; "I'm giving this to God" did not offer me comfort. It didn't even make me feel a little bit better. It didn't make me feel hopeful! In fact, honestly speaking, it would piss me off. So to say that statement to you and not give you insight on my struggle would be wrong!
I felt like a waste of space often. My very existence disturbed me! I had to consciously ask myself, "what am I here for?" I struggled in my head often questioning things. Nothing in particular, just things. Maybe at the time I should've confided in someone. Perhaps a family member, a friend, a counselor, even a total stranger may have sufficed but I was too embarrassed to admit signs of weakness. Too embarrassed to be vulnerable. Too embarrassed to be that transparent. To admit I didn't have it all together. To admit I was suffering from some form of depression or inadequacy.
In a light moment, maybe a conversation or two I would express nonchalantly my disdain for my life and myself but it was always taken as, you're just having a rough day. And instead of saying, "No. This day has lasted for some years. No. I cry myself to sleep each night and several times throughout the day. No. This rough day has been a wretched nightmare, one I can't seem to wake from. One that makes me feel like I can't catch my breath. Only I believe in God and I know I didn't give me life so I have no business taking it for granted". Those responses would run through my head but instead of saying them I'd smile and say, "Yes. Maybe." I'd hide the fact that I believed God hated me and was eternally testing me to see if I'd break! I remember screaming out in anguish alone in my car, in the shower, or in my bedroom, "You can't have my life! I won't be defeated! God you will show favor on me! I may not see it now but I will! I'm not dying in misery!"
I felt alone in the wilderness. I can not tell a lie. I felt if I took one step forward I was pushed back three. I felt everything I prayed for came to me in the reverse and negative. I felt the moment I felt happiness, I was back-hand slapped into a gutter. What others would call favor, I called a curse! I was ungrateful but, if I'm being brutally honest; I felt I deserved more.
There's the problem! The AHA moment!
I'm not entitled to ANYTHING on God's green earth! How dare I look at the chicken He gives me to eat and demand sirloin? I'm the hungry one, not Him. He is Bread!
How dare I think I should get everything I pray for? I don't follow everything He commands! How dare I look at her or them over there and get mad at their blessings? I don't know their struggle, their life, their commitment to Christ!
Hallelujah! I'm ministering to myself at this very moment!
God's time is not our time! My simple mind can't even conjure up the life plan God has in store for me! I can't imagine the infinite possibilities of His plans for my life. So why limit myself to being upset if, instead of getting to my destination on a jet; I arrive by ship.
Hard times come, it's inevitable. You get sad, mad, sick, tired, frustrated and much more BUT keep on living. Brighter days come. Brighter days go. Then when you least expect it they come again! My great secret formula is; there is NO secret formula to getting to happy. It's circumstantial. You can, however; surround yourself with good people sharing good things! Weed out your toxic negativity. Isolation is NOT the key! It's more like a sickness. Be around life. Be around movement activities happening. Keep your mind motivated by the hustle and bustle of a day.
Don't be so quick to run to a pharmacy to take pills. Exercise. Change your diet. Get enough sleep. Stay active! An idle mind is the devil's workshop. If nothing else Get Up! It takes strength. It takes practice. You may slump back into a funk. I did! You may fall ten times! Get UP thirty! Don't stay there! Get Up! Move around. Don't isolate yourself. You have a purpose no matter how insignificant you may feel in a moment or for a time. Every day your purpose may not appear clear to you. Every day isn't roses. Sometimes there's mold amongst the bushes. Every day won't be peaceful. I'm a liar and the truth isn't within me if I say it is and you're silly if you believe that I could. The motivation is in YOU. Highlight what you need from this blog, highlight thoughts, people, moments in your life that significantly keep you in a "safe" place.
A "safe" place is figuratively and literally speaking, actually; the place, not only your mind, but in and throughout life that detaches you from the negative waste-of-space emotions we encounter.
It's hard work to stay in a positive place- mentally! It takes active involvement on our part to think positive, speak positively, and be positive. Don't be naive to think you can say, "I'm going to be positive," and poof! Like magic, everything around you and within you will be positive. Work at it. Set reminders in your phone with positive affirmations that go off throughout the day. Write positive notes or messages and strategically place them in areas you live or work in. Interact with positive people. Read positivity. Live positively. These things will shape your negative internal thoughts into positive actions and reactions to circumstances that may surround you.
God's abundant blessings in attaining your JOY!
